it's been so long since i have posted a "serious" blog entry.. i always seem to say this everytime i blog because most of my entries are just MCR-related.
so yesterday, i've been to a point where i had to tell myself to stop crying, but i couldn't. after that really unfortunate event, i went home with my blockmate mae. i kept on ranting about how i could have had this grade, because i really prepared for the finals. i even practiced explaining, in front of the mirror, so that i know how i look and that i would look "intelligent". i deprived myself of sleep, i stopped playing SIMS 2, i went to study groups, all for the reason that i was so determined to give the philo finals my best shot. after all, it was the only time i took the subject seriously. not once did i curse that subject, i even thought of dropping it. the point is, i felt soooooo bad. i was irritated, disappointed, really pissed off. i had to hide it until i got home. i didn't want my classmates to see me cry just because of that. i went straightly to my room, locked the door and cried. for the loss of a more descriptive word, i have to say "humagulgol ako". i couldn't tell the whole story because some people haven't taken the finals, yet.
like i have said during our last meeting in philo, you only have yourself to blame each and every time you fail. also, one of the things i have learned from MCR is that someday, i'm gonna be alone, having only myself to lean on.. so i would have to learn how to be less dependent. i shouldn't have depended on the list of topics given by my classmates, it was INCOMPLETE. i guess you already have a hint why i didn't get i grade i prepared for.
i have this tendency to blame myself every single time i have a misfortune.. like if i lost something that is really important to me, or i missed my favorite show, or when things are going so bad i would just want the ground to open and swallow me whole. i always believe that God is punishing me because of my "sins", so He sends the air of misfortune to topple down the house of cards that i built. last night, i looked deeper into myself to see what "sin" might have caused my misfortune and i realized that i have a lot to be punished for. it was a kind of relief because at least i have made up an answer to the question "why?"..why all these things are happening to me. simply put, i believe in karma.. and it wasn't enough to console me.. so this blog entry comes in.
see? i'm even incoherent. maybe i'm still feeling bad. i just hope that what happened to me woudn't happen to any other person. my last piece of advice would be:
STUDY EVERYTHING. specially those topics not included in the pointers for review.
*nosebleed* grabe, english yun ah.:))
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